


Relapse

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Multi-Chapter Fics [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:42:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24497404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: Maddie knows she has to tell Chimney that she's struggling, but there's a million and one reasons to keep silent. Even when she needs him.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Howie "Chimney" Han & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Multi-Chapter Fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1815556
Comments: 7
Kudos: 19
Collections: Madney One-Shots





	1. Chapter 1

“Just… please don’t tell him, okay? He’s got enough on his plate, he doesn’t need to add worrying about me onto the list.”

Buck stares at his sister, wishing he could say something other than, “Of course.” But he doesn’t want to push too hard. He knows if he pushes, she’ll have no one left to confide in and he needs her to still _need_ someone. As long as she knows someone’s listening, he figures, she’ll eventually be ready to get help. He still wishes he could understand her more, she’s his big sister and he has known her his entire life (give or take a few Doug consumed years, he reminds himself), but he still struggles to get inside her head.

Sometimes, he doesn’t think she understands herself.

“How can I help you, Maddie?” He finally asks, taking her shaking hand in his own, suddenly reminded of being ten years old, asking his big sister why she wasn’t eating as she begged him not to tell their parents. This, he supposed, was just one thing he couldn’t blame on Doug.

She can only shrug her shoulders, knowing she doesn’t have the answers to give him – she doesn’t know how he can possibly help her, how _anyone_ can. She reminds herself that she’s beaten it before, several times over and she will again – so, there’s no real reason to worry her boyfriend with it. Not when he already knew and accepted so much about her – how could she throw this on his lap too?

“Listen, I know this is the last thing you probably want to hear right now and I’m not going to tell Chim for you, I promise. But he can handle this, you know? That man loves you so much, Maddie, he would do anything for you. He can absolutely handle this.”

Her hand is gone from his, angrily wiping at the tears that have made their way down her pale face, “Please, Evan, don’t— I know exactly what Chimney is capable of handling and I know he will want to throw himself into this. He’ll want to help and I don’t know how he can. I just need… a little more time, okay? His dad’s _just_ died and he’s stressed with work and it’s the anniversary of his mom’s death soon and then Kevin’s too—”

She rambles on until he moves in front of her, kneeling down on the floor so he can grab both her hands, “They’re all excuses, Maddie. Really shit excuses not to tell your boyfriend that you’re struggling right now. He would want to know and if this was the other way around, you’d want to know, right?”

For a moment, she looks up at him and he thinks he’s gotten through to her until her head is shaking and she yanks her hands away from his. “I-I’ll be fine, I just need to sort my head out again. I shouldn’t have even told you. It’s just… it’s a temporary blip. A relapse. I-I can get over it again, and he never has to know. I don’t want to hurt him, please… _please_ I am begging you, please let this go.”

He tries, he really does, but the anger is rushing through his body before he can stop it, moving to stand up. He had felt frustrated even when he was a kid, watching as she played with the food on her plate, wondering why his sister couldn’t just eat something, when it was the easiest thing in the world to him. “You’re starving yourself, Maddie! We both know how this ends, you were a nurse, for fucks sake. You know how this story goes, you’ve been through it enough times.”

The silence is almost too much for him to bare when he stops talking, the desperation having been clear in his voice until he takes a deep breath, “You didn’t tell me because you don’t want help, Mads.” The realisation hits him suddenly, “You want to beat this. And I can help… you know I will do anything to help you. But I’m not the only man in your life who wants to protect you anymore, I am not your only person now. You have someone else, someone who loves you more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person. And he—he deserves to know all of you, Maddie and this-this is part of you.”

She’s crying, until he sits down next to her and pulls her onto his lap, wrapping his arms tightly around her as she grips onto his top. “I got you, Maddie. I got you.” He murmurs, his eyes closing in an attempt to stop his own tears when he can feel the wetness of hers on his neck, her nails are digging into his skin but he doesn’t flinch, he just holds her as close as he possibly can until the sobs die down.

“Tell me how I can help you, please.” His voice is quiet, his lips pressed to her hair as he waits. She’s silent for a few minutes, and he almost gives up on the idea she’s going to answer him at all.

“Chimney.” He feels his shoulders relax in relief, one hand on her back to keep her close as his other hand moves for his phone on the arm of the couch, “Now that, I can do.”


	2. Chapter 2

The regret had crept in the moment Buck told her he’d sent the text to Chimney, and then even more so when he had almost immediately messaged back to say he was on his way. It had only been ten minutes until he walked through the door which meant he most definitely had broken a few laws to get there, only to watch in complete silence as his girlfriend paced the floor of her brother’s apartment.

Buck was at a loss for what to say, he hadn’t expected Maddie to go into full meltdown mode the moment she was met with the very real prospect of telling her boyfriend exactly what was going on. He knew that Chimney suspected something, he had spoken about it in work enough – how distant she was being, how she seemed to be on an opposite schedule from him a lot more often than usual. He knew that his friend _missed_ her and what was worse, is that he didn’t understand why.

Logically, Maddie knows she asked for him, she knows she told her brother that what she needed was Chimney but the minute she’s actually faced with the reality of seeing him and he’s standing right in front of her, she immediately goes on the defensive. Her arms are folded, her glare going between her brother and her boyfriend, completely at a loss for what she’s supposed to say or do right then.

Chimney is the first to break the silence, “Is anyone going to tell me what this is about?” Maddie glances at her brother who just shakes his head, and for just a second, she hates that he promised her that he wouldn’t tell because she knows if he doesn’t say it, then she’s definitely not going to. Her heart is thumping against her chest, her palms are clammy and she wants nothing more than to run as far away from the two men as she possibly can. She eyes the door, trying to calculate if she could get there in time before her brother or boyfriend could stop her, debating how far she would get.

Her brother seems to anticipate her next move because he’s suddenly in front of the door, a stern look on his face and she’s trapped. That feeling doesn’t help matters as her chest tightens and suddenly it’s hard to breathe, the world is spinning and the words tumble from her mouth before she can stop them.

“I’m breaking up with you.”

The devastation on his face is immediate, and she feels as though someone has just plunged a knife through her heart. Only she’s the one holding the knife, she’s the one who put that look on his face, and the tears in his eyes.

“Y-you brought me to your brothers apartment to tell me… to tell me that?” She can see the tinge of embarrassment on his cheeks as he looks between the two Buckley’s, before he angrily wipes away at the stray tear that makes it’s way down his cheek despite how hard he is trying to hold them back.

Before she can say anything, Buck is stepping forward, “N-no, Maddie! No, that’s… this isn’t what.. Chim I wouldn’t do that, _she_ wouldn’t do that. Maddie, tell him the truth!” There’s a desperation in his voice, tinged with guilt, he’s trying to get her to make eye contact with him but she’s looking everywhere except at either of the men who love her. The words hadn’t meant to come out, but suddenly, they’re out there, she’s thrown them out to the universe and she can’t think of any better way out of the mess she’s found herself in.

Should she tell him she’s fallen into old habits again, starving herself as some drastic form of control? She could let him hold her as he asks her why, she could listen to him get upset when she doesn’t have the answers he will so desperately need. She doesn’t have the answers he will want to hear because she doesn’t understand herself. She was happy, she thought she was happy.

Or should she just do the nice thing and let him go? Let him find someone who wasn’t quite as messed up as she was, let him fall in love with someone who actually deserved his love. The decision is made in the spur of the moment, ignoring her brother’s desperate pleas when she finally looks up, “I didn’t plan on it being now, here,” She lies easily, she hadn’t planned on ever breaking up with him, yet there she is, “But I don’t want this… us… anymore.”

“Maddie!” Buck is attempting damage control, standing in front of her, “Maddie, don’t do this. Chim, don’t listen to her.”

She’s too far into it, she quickly decides, the confusion is evident on Chimney’s face, he doesn’t know what to do or think, his voice cracking when he finally does, “I thought—Maddie, we were talking about our future just a few weeks ago, what’s—I don’t understand.”

This time she forces out a bitter laugh, “Oh? Really? You thought we had a future? What gave you that idea?” He looks as though she’s slapped him, hard, he makes no attempt to hide the tears, his mouth agape until Buck grabs her by her shoulders and shakes her. It makes no difference, she’s already made up her mind – it’s time to cut him free. “You should just go, or I’ll go. No, you know what? I’ll go.”

She’s cut off only by her brother, “No!” His hands finally dropping from her arms so he can move towards the door, looking between the two adults. Chimney looks as though she’s just ripped his heart from his chest and stomped on it, and she hates herself for putting that look on his face. She hates herself because her brother is trying so desperately to get her attention, to force her to meet his eyes his voice begging her, “Maddie, be honest. Be honest, please. Don’t do this, you don’t want this. Chimney, she doesn’t want this.”

Maddie glances over, only for a second, to see that the man she loves so much still hasn’t moved from his spot. Tears are freely streaming down his face, “This is for the best. You’ll see.” She mumbles, easily slipping past her confounded brother, slamming the door behind her.

“What’s going on, Buck?”


	3. Chapter 3

Hen is dreading what she’s going to find when she lets herself into Chimney’s apartment (silently thanking Karen for suggesting to Chimney once they arrange to have emergency keys to each other’s places). She knows it’s going to be bad, Buck had looked awful enough and he wasn’t the one who had his heart broken. A part of her - the protective part that screams at her that this is her best friend, how dare anyone break his heart – wants to march over to Maddie’s apartment and demand an explanation. The other part of her, the part that was standing in his doorway right then, wanted to be there for him, wanted to let him cry it out.

She knows she’s made the right decision when she’s met with shattered shards of what looks to be the entire contents of his kitchen cupboards littered over the floor. The anger is bubbling up inside of her, and despite the fact she loves Maddie, she would do anything to give her a piece of her mind right then. “Chim?” She calls out, as she shuts the door behind her and carefully steps over the shattered glass that almost covers the entire floor of both the kitchen and the dining room. She could probably count on her fingers the amount of times she’s seen him angry, but she can feel the level of devastation. She sighs when she bends down to pick up a broken frame, staring at the smiling faces of both Maddie and Chimney looking into the camera before she sets it on the dining room table and makes her way towards the bathroom.

She hears him before she sees him, the familiar sound of him retching, accompanied by broken sobs echoing through the hallway of his apartment before she finds herself pushing open the door of his bathroom. He’s a mess, as she had expected, but it’s worse than anything she could have imagined. His hands are gripping the edge of the toilet bowl, his entire body shaking. The stench of vomit fills the air, but she still finds herself dropping to her knees to be beside him, her hand gently on his back. He flinches, but finally looks up at her – his eyes red and bloodshot – “H-Hen?”

“I’m here.”

“H-how?” He looks confused, and she imagines he’s probably wondering if he has to pay for a new door as well as new kitchen contents.

“Emergency key, remember? I figured this would definitely classify as an emergency.” She rubs his back, wishing more than anything she could take away his pain as her other hand moves to flush the toilet. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this sick…”

“I-I think my heart is broken.” His words are slurring ever so slightly and that makes a little more sense – she can’t exactly blame him for wanting to drown his sorrows, not after what Buck had told her. “I thought…” He hiccups, “Thought she was the one. I-I thought…” The tears are falling again and whilst the sadness she feels is still there for him, the overwhelming need to scream at Buck’s sister (she’s immediately demoting Maddie to just that until maybe one day, she can find it in her heart to forgive) seems to take precedent right then. “I d-don’t… I’d rather a rebar through the head. Stabbed. A-anything. Hurts less.”

He’s only making half-sense but she knows what he means, she understands, especially when he moves back to his original position and vomits up what little he must have left in his stomach, his body shuddering with the harsh movement. She wonders how long he’s been there, in the bathroom – she could remember thinking that morning, when Bobby told them Chimney had phoned in sick, how unlike him that was. If Buck had told her the truth right then, she probably would have made her own excuses.

It was halfway through a twelve-hour shift that he finally confessed everything – how Maddie had broken up with Chimney, how he couldn’t explain the reasons why but he was worried about his friend. And he was also worried about his sister who wasn’t answering his calls, or hadn’t answered the door to her apartment when he swung by before work. Hen had rushed out of there the moment the shift was done, as Buck did the same thing to get to his sister. All she knew was that, no matter what, she was going to be there for the closest thing she had ever had to a brother.

“You’re going to be okay, I know it hurts right now but you’re going to be okay.” She attempts to soothe, but she’s felt the impact of a broken heart before. She can almost feel his pain right then; she’s confused too. She knows about the engagement ring he had bought only a month before, she knows how they had joked about her being his best man, she knows how much he had fallen head over heels for a woman she thought felt the same about him. And if she’s confused, she cannot imagine what he’s feeling right then.

“I want Maddie.” He whines at her when he’s done, and despite the fact he still has traces of vomit around his mouth, she pulls him towards her and lets his face rest in her chest. It only takes a moment before both his hands are clenched around her top, her heart heavy as she listens to him cry out the name of the woman he loved so much. She holds him as close as she possibly can, her arms wrapped tightly around his shaking body.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, Chim, I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry.” She doesn’t know what else she can say, wishing she had the magic words that would somehow make everything better, knowing that nothing can.

* * *

Maddie groans when the knocking on her apartment door gets louder and more insistent with each passing second. It’s been ten minutes since it started, she could only imagine her neighbours were starting to get annoyed. She recognises the voice of the woman on the other side almost immediately, when the sound of her shouting her name joins the frenzied banging on her door. Even Buck had given up at this point, alleviated only by her sending him a text practically begging him to leave her alone.

She hasn’t left the safety of the place since she had rushed home from Buck’s, slamming the door behind her and vowing not to let the outside world in. And it’s where she’s been, sat in the dark, curtains drawn and lights off, since that moment. Her legs are unsteady when she finally moves to stand up, knowing she’s not going to be able to get rid of Hen anytime soon – she can hear the anger in her voice and she knows it’s justified but she also knows that whatever state Chimney is in must be bad if Hen has felt the need to come over and scream at her. It’s what she deserves, that’s the main thing driving her towards the door right then. If Hen wants to take out her anger on her, she’ll take the punishment.

Maddie ignores the way her hand is shaking as she unlocks the door, slowly pulling it open to Hen’s clenched fist hanging in the air. The bright light in the hallway hurts her eyes, but Hen looks as though she’s had the wind knocked out of her the moment she lays eyes on Maddie. Neither woman knows what to say for a moment, until Hen pushes past her and Maddie can see the way she’s opening her mouth and closing it again, as though she’s trying to find the words. She’s trying to cling onto the anger that she has every right to feel, but all she can see in the paramedic’s eyes right then is… sadness.

She closes the door, “Is Howie okay?” 

“Don’t… pretend like you care.” The words are bitter, Hen won’t even look her in the eyes and it hurts, especially because she thought they were close. Of course, she knows if there’s sides to take (which there is, she reminds herself, she’s the one who broke up with him after all), it’s obvious where Hen’s loyalties will lie. She hates her. Maddie hates herself too.

“Fair.” She shrugs her shoulders and slowly moves further into the apartment, trying to take every step carefully as the room spins and a wave of nausea rushes through her. “A-are you here to… stand there?”

She _wants_ her to shout, she wants the anger directed towards her, she wants the seething rage of the woman to come crashing down onto her because it’s what she deserves. “Just go for it.”

“Don’t give me permission to be angry, I don’t need your permission.” Maddie thinks about it for a second, until she sees Hen opening her mouth once more and she bites down on her bottom lip instead. “I need an explanation as to why I found my best friend sobbing into his toilet bowl, covered in his own vomit. I need to know why so I can give him the answers he so desperately needs, Maddie. I need you to own this! _He_ needs you to own this. Don’t you think he deserves something more than you destroying him without even telling him why? He had plans, he thought he had a future with you – he wanted to fucking marry you and you—you owe him more.” Every word gets louder, and she can feel the justified wrath, but she stays silent. “Say something!”

Still nothing. She doesn’t even feel present, Hen feels and sounds further away than she is, even though she’s standing right in front of her. Her legs are heavy, and she’s sure she can hear someone calling her name before her body hits the ground.

“H-Howie?” Is the first thing that falls from her lips, when her eyes flutter open, feeling a hand on her wrist, and another on her forehead. “No, no, Maddie, it’s Hen. Stay there, okay? Just stay still a second. Can you tell me if you’ve taken anything?”

She shakes her head, pushing on the woman’s arm, “Mm-no, no, m’fine.”

“You passed out, I don’t think that’s fine- I’ve been told I’m scary when I’m angry but not _that_ terrifying.” It’s a poor attempt at a joke, they both know it, the worry evident in her voice before Maddie forces herself to sit up. “Happens all the time, I’m ‘kay.” She mumbles, immediate regret on her face because she knows admitting to fainting ‘all the time’ probably wasn’t the best move right then. Fainting at any point usually indicated something was wrong, and she wasn’t ready to tell anyone other than her brother – who couldn’t do a damn thing to stop her – that maybe, something wasn’t quite right with her after all.

“Maddie, you look like shit.” Brutal honesty, it would be appreciated if she didn’t already know how she looked. She doesn’t say anything, but she shrugs in response, “What is going on with you? This-you’re not acting like yourself. Chim’s been saying it for weeks, your brother is terrified, this isn’t-are you sick?”

 _Chim_ , she wants him, she wants him to hold her and tell her that everything is going to be okay, even if she doesn’t believe it. She wants to feel the warmth of his body, his tight grip, she wants to hear him whisper words of comfort in her ear but it’s too late. She’s pushed him too far over the edge. “Not… not sick.” She gulps, pushing the hands away from her as she moves to stand up, ignoring how, the moment she does, the room starts to spin, her legs feel like they don’t belong to her but she knows, getting up is the only way she’ll ever convince the woman to leave.

“Something is going on with you. Something that’s forced you to destroy my best friend, something that’s making you ignore your brother…” Hen’s mind is in over-drive, taking in the sight of the woman in front of her – the practically translucent skin, the dark circles beneath her bloodshot eyes, the way her usually well-kept hair is scraped back into a dull, greasy ponytail, as though she hasn’t showered in days. “Maddie—” She steps forward, only for her to stumble backwards, swaying the moment she stops, “Are you gonna pass out again?” She’s wary, both her arms out as though she’s willing to catch her should she fall.

“I-I t-think—” She pathetically nods her head, a few tears sliding down pale cheeks, feeling the comfort of Hen’s arms wrapping around her as she guides her down to the floor. “You’re okay, everything is going to be okay.”

It’s a relief when her world goes black again.


	4. Chapter 4

Chimney doesn’t know why he’s there, pacing the floor of Maddie’s apartment as he listens to Buck and Hen angrily whispering at each other. He knows if he stops and tries, he could hear what they’re saying but he can hear the blood pounding in his ears, his chest feels heavy and for the first time since he’s known her, he doesn’t feel like he belongs there.

Hen hadn’t explained much of anything to him on the phone, the phone call had only lasted forty-two seconds. He wouldn’t have even answered if it hadn’t been the seventh time she had tried to ring. He wasn’t sure if answering had been the right thing and he definitely wasn’t sure if the short drive to her apartment was a good idea. She didn’t _want_ him, that was all he could think about, and even if he didn’t know why Hen had had been so adamant he come, he was sure as hell Maddie didn’t need him.

He hadn’t even seen her yet, the door to her bedroom closed with Hen standing protectively outside of it as Buck continued to make frustrated hand gestures, his voice hissing through the otherwise quiet apartment. With a frown, he finally decides – considering neither of them appear to have noticed the fact he was there – to clear his throat. It works, two pairs of eyes flash over to him, one filled with relief and the other surprise.

“You came.” Buck looks as though he wasn’t exactly expecting the other man to turn up, especially not considering the last time he had seen him, Chimney had made it clear he didn’t want to be near either of the Buckley’s as he had rushed out of Buck’s apartment.

“Hen said it was important.” His eyes seek those of his best friend, wishing someone would explain to him what he was supposed to do, and why they were all there. “Is anyone going to tell me what’s going on or do I have to let my imagination do all the work?” He can think up about a thousand situations, most of which are probably worse than what is actually going on right then. His can feel it though; from the rising tension in the air, the eerie quiet of the place Maddie called home (even if she spent most of her time at his) and he can see it in the pained expressions of his best friend and what he had hoped would be his future brother-in-law.

It’s Buck who speaks, with Hen pushing him forwards, away from Maddie’s bedroom door and towards the corridor entrance where Chimney hovers, “Maddie has an eating disorder.” The words tumble out, matter of fact, and he only has a few seconds to process them before the younger man continues. “It’s not new. I mean, this time is new, I don’t know?” He turns back, desperately seeking some sort of help from the other paramedic in the room but she only shakes her head, “She’s always had issues with food, I guess. It got bad when she was like… fifteen? I think?” He scratches the back of his neck, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other before he takes a deep breath.

“T-the night you came over… she was meant to tell you but she blurted that bullshit out instead and I couldn’t even tell you the truth, I shouldn’t even be telling you now because it’s not my truth to tell and she’s going to hate me. I promised she could tell me anything and I’d never—break that trust but…”

Hen finally let’s go of the door handle to make her way over to her friend, and colleague, “I think she’ll understand this time.”

The confusion must still be evident on his face, barely able to process all the information at once, “So… she broke up with me because she thought… I wouldn’t understand?”

“More so she could starve herself to death in peace.” Her brother bitterly whispers, immediate regret on his face when he shakes his head, “I-I didn’t mean that, I’m just angry. At her. At the world. I think she knows you would understand, but I don’t think she’s ready to be fixed right now.”

“I-is it b-bad?” This time, he looks towards his best friend – he starts to feel the guilt creeping in, wondering if he could have pushed harder to get an answer from her, if he could have noticed. All the signs he ignored because he had no idea – what else didn’t he know about the woman he was prepared to marry? The guilt is quickly replaced by anger, because she knows everything about him, he’s told her about his mom dying, how his dad left him, how Kevin was like a brother to him and he had lost him too. What does he really know about her or her childhood?

“I can’t do this.” He blurts it out, not waiting for an answer to his question, “I don’t know anything about her. I don’t know her at all, she sat across from me and promised me we wouldn’t hide things from each other anymore and how long has she been hiding this from me? When did you find out?”

Buck opens his mouth to respond but Chimney can feel the rage bursting over, tears threatening to fall as he clenches his fists, “I’ve told her everything! I’ve told her about going to the hospital to see my mom, the time my dad broke my arm, I-I told her about the damn kitten I brought home when I was six and I know _nothing_. I thought… I don’t even… who…” He’s starting to panic, he can feel it coursing through his body. His chest growing tighter as he turns to look hopelessly at the two people he considers to be family.

Only to see Hen holding onto an extremely fragile, pale looking Maddie.

The moment he lays his eyes on her, any anger he felt dissipates, replaced only by the devastation he feels for not noticing anything was wrong sooner. When she speaks, her voice is uncertain, quiet, “I’d do anything to be the person you love again.” He can see the tears in her eyes and the way she’s leaning her entire body weight against Hen, only propped up by the arm holding her tightly.

“You are. I just don’t know who that is.”

He hates himself when she flinches, “You know everything that matters. I didn’t tell you because it’s not _who_ I am. You know everything I thought mattered.” He can’t stop himself from taking a step towards her, hesitating before he holds out his hand, feeling her freezing hand in his own barely a second later. Gently, he tugs on her hand, until she stumbles close enough for him to quickly drop her hand and take her in his arms instead. “I-I don’t know what to say… or do.” He finds himself saying, his lips against the cold skin of her cheek, “But I’m here, okay? If you’ll have me, I’m here.”

“That’s enough.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note this chapter contains mentions of a suicide attempt, proceed with caution.

He leaves her alone in the apartment.

He doesn’t want to, it takes some convincing on her behalf to get him to leave, even if it is only to try and get some groceries in. He hasn’t left in two days, not since Hen called him to come over and he knows he needs to try and get them back to some sense of normality. And that means more than ordering take-out for himself whilst Maddie just stares blankly ahead of her. He doesn’t know what to do – he knows how to treat her if she passes out, he knows to check her blood pressure, to check her pulse… but he doesn’t know how to make this all better.

When he suggests checking her in to an in-patient facility, he barely notices the way she flinches. But she brings her knees closer to her chest, shaking her head. She doesn’t say anything, and he knows better than to push her. It’s easier to see her falling apart in front of him than it is to imagine it from afar. He knows he has to be there when she falls.

He’s gone for twenty-seven minutes, he knows because he found himself rushing around the store, barely wanting to be away from her for even a second. He hates it, but he doesn’t trust that she’s going to be okay if he’s not there to keep an eye on her. Hen pops around, Buck tries but ends up bursting into tears every time he sees her which they mutually decide probably isn’t what she needs right then. It takes everything within him not to cry when he sees the way she’s carrying herself, as though she’s exhausted, about to collapse at any given second.

He doesn’t trust that she won’t because he hasn’t seen her eat a damn thing in two days and he doesn’t know how much longer she can keep it up before he loses her for good.

There’s an eery quiet in the apartment when he opens the door, and even though it’s not unusual, he feels something in the air he can’t quite explain. The grocery bags are quickly forgotten on the floor as he finds his feet carrying him towards the bathroom as though he just _knows_. It’s not locked, but only because Buck took the lock off before he left the apartment the day before, muttering something about how he doesn’t trust his own sister.

“Maddie?”

Nothing can prepare him for the moment he pushes the door open, finding her limp, unconscious body lying on the bathroom floor. It’s the pill bottle next to her that gives him the only clue he needs to know she had planned this moment. Waited for him to leave, practically pushed him out of the door.

He had been gone twenty-seven minutes. It’s been two since he walked through the door. Twenty-nine minutes; she could be dead. He’s almost too scared to check, but forces himself to drop to his knees, hands shaking when he reaches for her neck, fingers pressed tightly against the skin. There’s a pulse. It’s faint. But her heart is still beating and as long as her heart is beating, there’s hope. There’s always hope.

“Hey! Hey, wake up!” Somehow, he finds his voice, despite the tears that start to fall, his hands are shaking when he reaches for the bottle. “How many of these did you take, huh?” Her eyes are starting to open and that brings him new hope, because she’s still with him.

It’s when her eyes start to close again, that he starts to panic even more, “No, no, don’t go back to sleep, you need to stay awake for me.” He knows he’s sobbing, that he’s begging her to stay alive, begging her to _want_ to stay with him. He wants her to fight, he doesn’t even know when she gave up, when she decided that this was the only way she could escape.

He dials three digits, keeping his fingers on her pulse, his voice doesn’t feel like his own. It doesn’t feel like he’s describing the fact his girlfriend is on the bathroom floor, having taken an unknown amount of pills, her breathing is shallow, her skin clammy and her pulse slow. He doesn’t know if she’s going to make it, or if she even wants to make it. None of this feels real, it’s a lifetime away from the smiling, laughing woman he had planned on starting a whole new life with.

“You have to be okay, you can’t leave me, okay? I-I know you never promised me forever but… it’s what I want for us, okay? So you can’t leave, I need you to fight just a little bit longer. Just hold on for a little longer. You don’t owe me anything but it can only get better from here. You are so loved, so… so needed.” He’s crying, but he hopes more than anything that she can hear him, that she’s still with him enough to want to claw her way back to the sound of his voice.

“I’ve been here, Maddie. I-I haven’t told you that before, but I’ve been here too. I was nineteen and an absolute mess but Kevin held me up when I didn’t think I deserved anyone. So, that’s what I’m going to do for you. That’s what I want to do for you, but you have to give me the chance to do that, you have to fight your way through this. Just hold on a little longer, just until the paramedics are here. Then I’ll fight with you because you can get through this and I’ll be there every step of the way if you want me.” He sobs, “Even if you don’t want me, if you’re alive the world is instantly better, so you have to be alive. That’s all I want from you right now.”

He takes a deep breath, relieved when her body starts battling back, the stench of vomit filling the air as he keeps her lying on her side, “There we go, baby, you got this, you can do this. Keep fighting, the world without Maddie Buckley isn’t a world I want to see.” His eyes close, fighting to remember Kevin and everything he did to make sure Chimney wanted to live, only to die years later. It’s ironic. He shakes the thoughts off, moving his fingers through her hair, “I love you. And maybe that’s not good enough to make you want to fight through this but if you know that, then that’s okay. I love you. And if that’s enough… I’ll tell you a hundred times a day for the rest of our lives if you come back to me, if you’ll have me.”

His rambling is only stopped by the sound of knocking on the door, the relief causing him to scramble up from the floor and wipe at the tears that have made their way down his cheeks, “They’re here, okay? They’re here, just a little longer. You’re okay.”


	6. Chapter 6

Chimney can list all of the moments he’s felt at his most helpless and the majority of them spent in the waiting room of a hospital. His entire body is shaking as he paces up and down, ignoring the sound of his best friend trying to talk to him, of Maddie’s little brother sobbing in the corner of the room, repeating over and over again that he knew something like this would happen.

He knows physically that Maddie is going to be okay, that they got her to the hospital in time, that her stomach has been pumped. Mentally? He’s not entirely certain that she’ll ever be okay again. It’s not the first time she’s done this, Buck had told him as though somehow, that was reassuring. That the fact his Maddie had wanted to die more than once was meant to be comforting in some way because she had pulled through all those other times.

No, Chimney wasn’t at all comforted by the fact Buck had been in this hospital waiting room twice before, waiting for news on his big sister. And he wasn’t at all comforted by the knowledge that those were probably only the two times Buck _knew_ about. Three now. At least three times the world could have become Maddie-less, at least three times he might have known a world without her.

“Chim, did you hear that?” There’s a hand on his shoulder, this time from a still tearful looking Buck who’s looking at him with big, sad, blue eyes as though somehow, Chimney is the one who’s meant to be strong here. He doesn’t know how to be. The confusion on his face must be evident, because the younger man continues, “The doctor just said we can go and see her – one at a time – I think you should go first. I need to sort myself out.” The words are spoken carefully, because Chimney knows there is no way in this world that he looks any better than Evan Buckley did right then. He doesn’t fight it though, instead, he nods his head and blindly follows the doctor he hadn’t even realised was there moments before.

“A-are you going to put her on a psych hold?” He asks, the moment they reach the door, watching as the woman looks down at the tablet she’s holding in her hands and then back up at the terrified looking man.

“It’s a recommendation, she’s going to get evaluated but it’s not my decision.”

Chimney has nothing to say to that – not sure how he will feel either way. One way, she may get the help she needs, but he’ll be without her for an undetermined period of time. The other way, he gets to take her home and he’ll have her but he could lose her next time. With a sigh, he moves into the room, his eyes immediately falling on the somehow impossibly tiny looking woman curled up in the bed. Her arms are wrapped tightly around her legs, her eyes open but not truly present.

Until he shuts the door and the sound causes her eyes to dart over to him, a panicked expression on her face when he steps towards her. “Howard.” The impersonal use of his full name forces him to pause, before he shakes it off and moves to sit on the edge of the bed instead, a hand reaching out for hers. He focuses his attention on the IV drip by her bedside, a reminder of his failure to get her to eat anything since he had insisted on looking after her. As though somehow, he could cope.

“You hate me.”

Those three words are enough to snap him back to reality, his eyes meeting hers as he quickly shakes his head. “I could never hate you, Maddie.” He had no reason to hate her, he knew what it was like to struggle internally, he knew exactly how it felt to feel so completely powerless that it felt as though there was only one way out.

“But… you don’t love me anymore, right? H-Hen told me you wanted to marry me, but I… I messed that up. I broke up with you a-and then I let you find me like t-that and… you don’t have to… you’re not obligated to be here, you know? I wouldn’t blame you if you ran as far away from me as you can. Evan is kind of stuck with me but you… you can do better.”

He doesn’t stop her as she rambles, instead, he waits with bated breath and tears in his eyes. The moment silence falls again, he decides to take the risk, manoeuvring his body towards the top of the bed, easily pulling her into his arms the moment he settles. “Maddie… I love you. I’m going to love you.” He takes a deep breath, pressing his lips to the side of her head as he tries to comprehend just the level of love he feels for the woman shaking in his arms.

“I’m going to love you in your weakest moments and your strongest ones. I’m going to love you when you’re happy, and I’m still going to love you when you’re sad. Don’t you understand, Mads?” Chimney pulls back, his hands pressing against either side of her face, forcing her eyes to look into his, tears running down both their faces before he speaks, “I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Even if I’m crazy?” Maddie manages to adjust herself ever so slightly until she’s practically sitting in his lap, fingers gently stroking his cheek as her head rests on his shoulder.

“You’re not crazy, just… struggling at the moment. For right now. Do I wish things could have been different for you? For us? Of course I do but… you’re alive, and right now, that’s all that matters but I need you to do something for me and for yourself.”

Maddie thinks she knows what he’s about to say, but she tilts her head up a little to look at him anyway as her fingers move up to his hair. “I need you to be honest when they come in to do the evaluation. I know you know all the right things to say but I need you to just say the honest things.”

“I think I can do that.” Maddie moves to snuggle into him a little more, “Is it wrong of me to ask you if you can wait for me?”

“I told you once that my calendar is wide open for you, Maddie, that still applies. Always.”


End file.
